How to Milk a Cow: A Step by Step Guide

I’ve been milking cows since I’ve been released from the womb. This is my guide for helping others milk cows as it is a crucial practice and essential way of life.

Step 1: Tie that cow down!

Make sure she’s not gonna kick you in the face later. Unfortunate ones like my son Augustus IV got kicked because he forgot to tie the cow down to the post. Maybe that’s why he’s always getting into trouble these days!

Step 2: Scrub It! Rub It! And Dubba Dub Dub It!

I know a lot of people clean the udder, but for myself, I don’t scrub it. I think extra stuff is nutritious and delicious and I believe its good for maintaining the immune system!

Step 3: Dry It!

Next step is to dry the nipples. Personally, I’ve found that given them a little slappy slap beforehand makes the milk flow out easier. Just slap them a few times but not too much or she’ll kick you.

Step 4: Put On Some Cream!

If you don’t have udder cream, grab some gloves and put em on. If you want udder cream, just head on over to my store (The links are at the bottom). Make sure to grab a bucket and place it underneath. You can wrap your hands around the teats once your gloves are securely fastened to your hand and once your squatted.

Step 5: Squeeze!

This is the last and final step. Get the 2 diagonal nipples and squeeze them downward until they are deflated. After they are deflated, you can switch to the others. When your done, you can clean the teats so they are nice and shiny at the end.

If you liked this, be sure to check out my own milk shop, Milk N’ Pigs Emporium.

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