Orthodontist Gets Attacked By Mob With Tiny Rubber Bands

Sac County, IA — 5:00. That’s when Orthodontist Dr. Payne was just about to leave Payne Family Orthodontics on Audubon St. Sadly, he didn’t know he was going to be greeted with an angry mob of his own patients. Two days after the incident and while suffering from harsh bruises along with a serious concussion, Dr. Payne recalls, “This wasn’t just any mob! I was scared for my life. I was never expecting something as frightening because things like this don’t happen normally in our small town.” Shortly after the doctor collapsed, officers arrived to the scene. 

In a press conference, Sheriff Clampett included that around 100 protestors showed up to the doctor’s office. “We want our braces off! You’ve had us wired up for too long! Now it’s your time to suffer!” the mob chanted. It was at this moment where Payne remembered that they started launching their orthodontic elastics. For those that were captured when the police arrived, questioning suggests the mob was indifferent: braces or aligners, clear or colorful, they launched those rubber bands from their mouths.

To protect their safety, an anonymous retainer user remembers that the mobsters “geared up and had small white packs of orthodontic rubber band ammunition across their chests and waist. When they launched the bands from their mouths, it hit right where it hurt on Dr. Payne. Head, eyes, ears, mouth, and even up his nose. He couldn’t do anything to protect himself.” The Police Dept. mentions that this is an ongoing investigation and any information regarding this incident as to who organized this event should contact the local police immediately to prevent further dental uprisings.